to thong, or not to thong.

Actual email to my mother:
From: Stephanie
Sent: Thursday, January 15, 2004 11:30 AM
To: Mom
Subject: i don't know who else to tell this to...

But my underwear is SO far up my ass right now. I am wearing pants that really show a pantyline, so I went for the thong, but not the usual thong because I feel like if I'm going to have material wedged up my ass, it might as well be a minimal amount, so I'm wearing a V-string (Victoria's Secret version of a G-String, I guess), and it's like, flossing my freaking ass right now. It's less material, yes, but it goes WAY further up my ass. How do you people live like this on a daily basis? My GOD.


Her actual response:
From: Mom
Sent: Thursday, January 15, 2004 11:43 AM
To: Stephanie
Subject: RE: i don't know who else to tell this to.

You get used to it!!!!!

My theory:
There are two kinds of women in this world: those who like to wear thongs, and those who don't. I am definitely in the latter category, but I also fall into a subset: women who don't like to wear thongs but do out of fashion necessity.

My mother and sister are both Wearers. It always amazed me. I used to believe that my dislike of thongs was because of the sports I played. I couldn't IMAGINE jumping and diving all over a volleyball court with a strip of fabric up my ass. I mean, it's bad enough I had to wear spandex. But a perma-wedgie? No thanks! Good ol' fashioned cotton briefs were just fine for me.

Rosie O'Donnell once had "thong week" on her show. Actress Minnie Driver came out and summed up my general attitude toward thongs: "They make me feel like my bum got hungry and ate up my underwear." If I wear a thong, which is avoided if at all possible, I end up spending half the day performing emergency thong extrications. Maybe it's because my ass is proportionally larger than it should be, or maybe it's a form of evolution/natural selection whereupon my ass is trying to show the thong who's boss, and who's most unwelcome.

I do, however, understand that sometimes women are just fashionably responsible for not showing a pantyline. In those cases, the options are to go commando or to wear a thong. Commando freaks me out even more, so I settle for a thong, hopefully one with just enough material that it stays out of my ass, and just little enough material that it doesn't show. Either way, all I day I'm aware of its presence.

I know a lot of women who wear nothing but thongs, and I know a lot of women who wouldn't be caught dead in them. I'm not sure what makes or breaks this, but I'm guessing it's some sort of recessive genetic chemical imbalance that removes the discomfort notification sensor to the brain. In a recent survey, 5 of the 10 women in my family admitted to thong-wearing for the sake of comfort (margin of error, 100%). How is that possible?!? Are you listening to yourselves?! You're telling me that when you drop something and you have to bend over to pick it up, and your 1/4-inch wide underwear goes up your ass, that's COMFORTABLE to you?? Did you receive a lot of wedgies as a child?

I just really, really don't get it. So for the time being, I wear thongs only when necessary, and sensible cotton bikinis when it's not.

And by the way, in Wisconsin, wedgies are called "grundies."