let's talk about armpits.

Of course, when I say "let's talk" I mean "I'll talk." This is hardly a conversational atmosphere.

Anyhow, as many of you know, I had surgery on my right shoulder about two years ago. The procedure involved a 3-inch incision from the front of my shoulder into my armpit. I was assured "No one will ever see the scar." And that is true. But as with most things in life, no one warned me of the other side-effect:

I have unusual over-sweating problems in my right armpit.

My assumption is that in re-stitching my armpit, certain sweat glands were sliced or sewn. I'm not really sure what the anatomical explanation is, but I know that I was given post-surgical instructions that involved shoving a hospital industrial maternity strength maxi pad into my armpit because I couldn't use deodorant until the wound closed. No one wanted to be my friend, everyone called me "Stinky," and flies started to gather.

Later, it took me about 14 months to find an anti-perspirant/deodorant strong enough to compensate for the now over-active sweating. And even today, two years later, my right armpit sweats FAR more than the left. It's disgusting. It's unfeminine. And it costs me a fortune in specialty laundry service (not just anyone treats "ring around the armpit"). All my shirts have sweat marks on the right side only. I haul ass walking to work in the morning, and when I get there, I have unevenly distributed sweat marks. I tried telling people that I just accidentally leaned on something wet, but really an armpit isn't a high-traffic contact point in leaning unless you're on crutches, so I stopped lying. Regardless, a one-sided sweat stain is gross, and no one wants to see it.

Luckily, I myself don't actually have to see it, but I AM the only one who has to smell me 24 hours a day. I'm like those women in the deodorant commercials who find discreet and clever ways to disguise a "sniff test," except, well, I'm not at all discreet. I just lift and smell. Then sigh. Then dig the pit-stick out of my desk drawer and re-apply--to the right pit only. I'm so classy.

So yeah, it's great that my saggy ligaments have been repaired, and I'm grateful that my scar is essentially unnoticable, but I'm not so sure I would have signed all the waivers if I'd been informed that I would spend the rest of my days with such excessive sweat secretion from the right pit that it qualifies me for disability. Sure, the surgeon has given me back my ability to lift my arm, but for what? To reveal a giant wet smudge. Fantastic.