running hot and cold

I'm one of those people who wakes up in the morning and NEEDS a shower. Some people need coffee, some need breakfast, I need a shower. The hot water wakes me up, and gives me the only 10 minutes of quiet, warm, stress-free time that I'll experience all day.

In my apartment, enjoying my morning shower has become a bit of a chore. I've learned that for my best odds, I should get in and out before 7am. If I don't, I have a shower like today's: miserable.

My shower has two knobs: one for hot, one for cold. Hot is HOT, and cold is damn cold. But how do I balance it? More hot than cold? By what proportion? How many twists to the right or left for each? Which direction is on and which is off? After moving in, it took me a few days to determine a regimen for the right temperature balance.

Now every morning I know through a combination of memory and intuition where to start. Through half-open eyes, I give a twist and a half on the hot knob, and a long twist on the cold knob. This gets, in most cases, the water to a comfortable temperature. The exception is if the toilet was just flushed, in which case the water becomes 976° and needs 5-7 seconds to run normal.

The real trouble, however, occurs once actually IN the shower. For me, a shower is a commitment requiring all-or-nothing dedication. You see, due to my hair's thickness, body, and product usage, I cannot just get my hair wet. If it gets wet, it must be also be washed, rinsed, conditioned, and rinsed again. This is just the way it is for me. So once I step in the shower and put my head under the stream of water, I'm in. I'm committed come hell or...ice cold water.

This morning, I apparently jumped in the shower at the same time that every other resident in my building jumped in their showers. The result is a shortage of Hot Water Units (HWUs). If there are 100 HWUs for the whole building, and I'm the only one taking a shower, I have free access to whatever I need, which is probably about 25 HWUs and 10 CWUs (Cold Water Units). But when more than four showers are running at the same time, and we must spread the 100 HWUs around, the relaxing morning shower becomes a tug-of-war battle for warmth.

But today, I had stabilized my water temperature and soaked my head. I had a good bubbly lather of shampoo in my hair. I was about to break into a happy Friday rendition of "Rubber Duckie" when my 25 HWUs were drastically reduced to about 2 or 3, which is essentially none.

When I got over the initial shock of seeing actual chunks of ice coming out of the shower head, I immediately rushed to the safe end of the shower and backed up against the wall. Shampoo dripped down my face and threatened my eyes, so I wiped it away quickly before reaching around the stream of ice to adjust the hot knob. A moment later, the water was warm again, and I began to rinse out my hair as quickly as possible...until...

WHAM! More ice cold, bone-chilling water fell down upon me. With a shriek and nipples that could cut glass, I jumped to the safe end of the shower again, realizing that someone else in the building was fighting me for the only 10 remaining HWUs. This was going to be war.

I stayed in the back of the shower and reached with my foot to drag the bottle of conditioner over without contacting the ice water. I re-lathered my head and caught my breath, which I could now see in front of me, while I thought of my next move. Freezing water pooled around my feet, making me shiver and my teeth chatter. I knew my time under warm water would be limited, but I just couldn't bear the cold. I had to do something.

I decided to attempt the riskiest maneuver: the "double twist attack," that would leave me either happy and warm, or scarred from 3rd degree burns. But I went for it. I had to. I turned OFF my cold water altogether, then turned UP my hot water. As soon as my feet felt warmth, I jumped back under the stream and furiously rinsed out my conditioner, pulling and squeezing my hair to make sure I got it all out. I was happy and warm, and stood there momentarily, breathing calmly, enjoying my success until...

ICE COLD HELL! With my cold water was entirely off, and my hot water was entirely cold, I knew my time was up. I jumped to the end of the shower and shivered for a moment before lunging in and turning the cold hot water off. Undoubtedly, elsewhere in the building, someone was screaming in pain as the HWUs overwhelmed their vulnerable, defenseless body.

Still shivering, I stepped out of the shower into my slippers and robe, grateful for the warmth they provided. But irritated and pissed off that my morning got off to such a rocky start, I had to get revenge before I walked out the door.

So I flushed the toilet.