sidewalk rage

I've always been an aggressive walker. I tend to believe it's my father's fault. When we were little, he was a sidewalk bulldozer, traveling at a swift gait and knocking over anything and anyone in his path, including old ladies and small children (like us). He also had a tendency to leave us many steps behind, and when we complained how his distance ahead increased our risk of kidnapping, he'd simply bark over his shoulder, "Walk faster," without ever breaking stride.

So early on I was forced to move creatively and strategically across flows of foot traffic, something I figured played into my "law-breaking" driving skills years later. But now that I'm back on foot, I must contend every day with obstacles on the sidwalk that range anywhere from puddles of dog piss to wet cement to small, left-behind children.

It has revived a belief I've long held that people on foot should be equipped with airhorns to be used like horns in a vehicle. Walkers should also have rear-view mirrors so when they, for example, have a stroller wide enough for three screaming children and they are taking up the entire sidewalk, they can see me fuming behind them and pull over to let traffic pass. Without mirrors, an airhorn would suffice nicely, so I may subtlely hint that it would be nice if they could get the hell out of my way.

I know that this sidewalk rage isn't just me. I've seen it in action. I've seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. I've watched as nannies "pull over" their slow-moving toddlers to let faster walkers pass. I've seen the mindless wandering of a person whose dog's leash is stretched across the entire width of the sidewalk, causing most walkers to either hurdle or limbo the hazardous cable in a simple desire to keep moving.

The same dog owner, two minutes later, will completely abandon a steaming pile of dog crap out of a combined carelessness and lack of preparedness, ignoring the (uninforced) fine of $250 for not picking up after a dog, leaving the steaming pile there for someone--who's probably already having a really rough day--to step in it. With no grass in sight to wipe the rancid shoe, victims either drag their soles along the sidewalk like a bad moonwalk impression, or find an unsuspecting curb or stair to wipe it on, when all the while, if I'd had an airhorn, I could have honked to either stop the irresponsible dog owner for a berating or warn the unsuspecting victim of the impending danger.

I also think walkers should signal stops and turns. There's nothing like hustling along in a crowd at 4 mph when all of a sudden someone stops. You get a 10-person pileup as the sudden change of velocity dominoes through the crowd. Newspapers are dropped, coffees are spilled, and moods are ruined. And, like on the road, the idiot up front is completley oblivious to all the damage left in their wake. It shouldn't take a license to walk, but if it did, these people would most certainly have theirs revoked.

If we needed licenses, then we could have walkers insurance, and walkers education classes where students wear sandwich boards saying "Earl's Student Walking - keep back 10 feet." We could have walking police who cite walking violations when they aren't at the walk-thru lane of Dunkin' Donuts. And only well qualified walkers, like myself, would be allowed to carry the airhorns that keep the rest of the pedestrians in line.

I know. You think I'm crazy. But just remember...it's my father's fault.