power squats

I had an interesting conversation the other day with two brothers aged 21 and 22. We were sitting at the airport talking about the cleanliness of public restrooms. I said "You guys don't have to worry about a thing. You can get in and out without having to touch anything but yourselves. Girls have it a lot harder." They both started telling me that I must just be doing it wrong. Perplexed, I prompted them for more information.

Jordan: "I don't see what the problem is. Just put your ass on the seat."
Me: "Ew! No way! Do you know how disgusting that is?"
Jordan: "How bad can it really be?"
Me: "People PISS on the seats! I don't want to sit in someone else's piss!"
Jordan: "How do girls get piss on the seat?"
Me: "By hovering."
Jordan: "Okay, so put some toilet paper down first."
Me: "That does no good. It just absorbs the piss so you sit on pissy toilet paper instead of a pissy seat. Same thing."
Jordan: "Wow. That's gross. "
Me: "Yes, it is. So we just perpetuate the pissiness by always having to hover."
Jordan: "I don't understand hover."
Nate: "It's like an isometric squat."
Me: "Yes. Great for the quads and hamstrings."
Jordan: "Don't you hold on to something?"
Me: "No. The goal is to not touch anything. Just hover."

Admittedly, though, hovering is not always my choice of position. It depends on whether a bathroom is public or semi-public, the difference being this:
public: a place where any uncalculable amount of complete strangers with varying hygiene use the can
semi-public: a place where a controlled, closed set of acquaintences with visible, discernable hygiene use the can
For example, a bathroom at McDonalds is public. A bathroom at work is semi-public. Rest area: public. Birthday party at cousin's house: semi-public. You get the idea.

In public situations, by no means will my flesh touch the petri dish known as the toilet seat. Hovering is the only way to go to ensure that there is no contact with the germs, fungus, or droplets of piss on the seat. The toilet is then flushed by extending a foot to the handle and pushing. This is followed by a very thorough hand-washing with whatever soap may be available, and every attempt is made to open and close the main door with my feet.

In semi-public situations, I am often more trusting. I know or have passed in the halls the other people whose naked asses may or may not have grazed the toilet seats. I also make a habit of using the same stall every time, so as to reduce the number of foreign asses by increasing the number of my own. In these cases, a toilet seat paper provides sufficient separation and peace of mind.

But one must be quick and wise about using paper toilet seat covers. They come perforated but not separated, so small tugs must be made to tear the paper in the appropriate spots or the result will be much like the traditional teen (or Big Bri) prank of covering a toilet bowl with clear plastic wrap. Also, once the paper is laid on the seat, action must be taken quickly or the paper is likely to fall into the toilet itself, especially if any portion of it makes contact with and starts absorbing water. Paper toilet seat covers are no joke, and must be taken seriously.

In the end, the best preparation is to always have strong, well-developed quads, hamstrings, and abdominal muscles to perform the power squat. You never know when you're gonna need it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to pee.