pigeon coup

New York City pigeons are a little too bold for my liking. On a normal day, I must walk hurriedly past them—or be walked hurriedly past by them—on the sidewalks. They move for no man, woman, child, nor dog. They simply aren’t scared.

One day last week I saw a little boy, maybe three years old, chasing a pair of pigeons the way my sister did as a child. With his arms spread wide, face full of glee, he released a war cry and stormed at the birds, stamping his little feet as loudly as possible for maximum effect. The pigeons, undaunted by the boy’s close proximity, merely took a small step to the side the way you’d expect an expert bullfighter to do in the manner of taunting the bull, a rather teasing “na-na, you missed.” The little boy, defeated in his quest, turned to his mother, drew a deep breath, and started wailing. The birdies weren’t scared of little Timmy. Timmy will spend 10 years in therapy for his self-esteem. The pigeons screwed up Timmy.

Meanwhile, pigeons in flight are a much scarier encounter than those on the ground. Not only are they fearless—they’re aggressive. You can be minding your own business, walking down the street, trying not to be hit by buses, taxis, and bicycle delivery guys, when out of nowhere a pigeon dives, swoops, and buzzes your head. If you’re lucky, you’ll see them coming in enough time to duck, usually to the amusement of other people on the street who are in fact laughing because they too have been assaulted in such a manner. Other times, you can actually anticipate the dive-bomb, like when a man walks out of a Chinese restaurant with a plate of rice, and foolishly dumps it on the sidewalk with no regard to his nearby fellow humans. In this instance, you have two options: 1) take immediate cover, or 2) hit the deck. The beasts swoop in from all directions, and if you’re in their way, they’ll take you down. After the threat has passed, it is perfectly acceptable, if not expected, to go beat some sense into the man who dumped the rice.

There are still some situations, however, in which no person can predict, prepare, or protect against the uprising of the pigeons. For example, as you lie nearly asleep on a blanket in the tranquil park, you may have no idea that a beady-eyed predator is about to peck off your baby toe. Or if you stop your weary legs to rest on a bench, you may not realize you happen to be seated near a favorite pigeon landing site, and may soon find yourself in a territorial face-off that you will, in all likelihood, lose in an attempt to keep your eyeballs from being pecked out.

So when you’re walking around trying not to get run over, mugged, or assaulted, just remember to keep one eye on the sky. The real danger comes from above.