elevators: manners and hazards

manners.

This morning when I got to work, a man about 20 feet in front of me was waiting for an elevator. There are six elevators in the lobby; one is for service only, another is being repaired. So now we're down to four elevators that serve up to and including the 27th floor.

So as I approached, this man was awaiting his ride. He looked over and saw me coming. He then strolled through the open elevator doors, and started pushing buttons--apparently the "door close" button was among them. I, mouth agape, took the two remaining steps toward the elevator and stuck my arm through the closing doors. Rude Elevator Man made the typical fake "sorry, didn't see you coming" expression, to which I gave the typical "yeah, sure, I saw you look at me" expression in response before pushing the button for my floor. He then realized that we worked for the same company and stood sheepishly in the corner with the "yup, I'm a real asshole" look on his face while I stood in front of the doors with the "yeah you are, I'm getting off now, ass" look on my face.

Now, when I see or hear someone behind me and I'm clamouring into an elevator, I turn around and hold the door. That's just what nice people do. Then the person says thank you, to which I respond "your welcome," and we have a nice, happy ride up in the elevator. Is that SO much to ask? I'm not saying hold the doors until you have a full load of passengers. I'm just saying, take the common decency to wait for the person you know who is RIGHT BEHIND you to get on the elevator.

Of course, the exception is when you actually KNOW the person right behind you, and they, theoretically, shagged the CTO in some corporate office scandal, and you are always cracking porno jokes behind her back, and you know if she gets on the elevator it will be painful laugh suppression torture for you, so you push the "door close" button with all your might and will the doors to shut before she gets on. As long as you don't make eye contact or acknowledge her proximity to the elevator, it's legal.

hazards.

Really, these elevators are already a tricky enough without some jerk making you stick your arm into closing doors. I mean, it's not all that irrational to think you could potentially lose that arm when the doors latch shut and lop it off with the greatest of ease. The doors don't always re-open with the arm trick. I've seen co-workers get completely squished as the doors slammed shut during an "Oh, I can fit" attempt.

So if you survive the entry to the lift, you then have to deal with the warp speed, rocket-like takeoff into the outer atmosphere that leaves your stomach somewhere in the lobby. Your hair flattens, your body mass collapses, and you wind up a puddle of flesh on the elevator floor. But not to fear--you re-form in seconds and your stomach will be up in the next elevator.

Assuming you come out of that okay, you then have to learn that just because the elevator doors are re-opening does NOT mean the elevator has actually reached your floor yet. In all likelihood, you're a good 8 inches short of flush when you go to make your first step. Amateur riders will trip and stumble, but the more advanced riders know to wait the extra second or two until the ride actually stops. Only then is it safe to exit.

As for going down, that has its issues as well. First is the game of elevator roulette that must be played due to the lack of light or sound to signal which elevator will fetch you. The result is a sudden, barely audible sound that turns out to be the door furthest away from you opening. You then have approximately 8 nanoseconds to get to it before the doors close and you miss your chance. If you should be lucky enough to make it, you then suffer the dramatic ear-popping as the ride moves down at roughly the speed of light, opens its doors somewhere near the lobby (give or take a few inches) and spits you back out, dizzy and confused, into the hall.

Who said work can't be fun?