the golden rule...is stuck to your shoe.

One night not terribly long ago, I was at a bar having many margaritas with my friend Jen. As is common in such situations, I stood up at one point and said "I have to pee." Naturally, Jen said "Me too." (See fellas, it's not that we necessarily MUST travel in pairs, but going pee sometimes just seems like a really great suggestion.)

So we stumbled happily to the ladies room, where we had a hysterical fit of laughter over something neither of us can recall. It might have been a lack of locking mechanisms, or just residual giggles from the bar. Chances are it was over some arbitrary thing, like the automatically flushing toilets whose pacing was all off, and flushed when you walked IN to the stall, but not out. Whatever it was, I distinctly remember having tears of laughter in my eyes as I teetered over the toilet (without touching it of course).

We then giggled our way out to the sinks and washed and dried our hands. Jen went out the door slightly ahead of me, and I held the door for the girl slightly behind me. She said thank you, and as I stepped into the hallway she grabbed my arm and said "Oh my gosh, I really need to stop you." Drunk and perplexed, I turned around to ask why, but didn't even have to when I followed her gaze down to my foot where a 2-ft. long piece of toilet paper was trailing from the bottom of my shoe.

"OH MY GOD!" I screamed. "Thank you SO much. I can't believe you stopped me. You're a complete stranger!"

"It's no problem," she said. "I had someone do it for me once and I can completely relate to the feeling." She then stepped on the end of the paper, allowing me to break free from it. I wanted to hug her--especially in my happy state. But I settled for a quick "You're the best. Thank you."

The other night I went out to another bar in another city with another group of friends. At some point, after a great many fruity drinks, I stood up and said "I have to pee." I stumbled happily around the corner to find--a line?! Not having the patience or mental stability to hold it, I knocked on the men's room door and said "Chick coming in!" The bathroom was empty, so I bolted in and teetered over the bowl, being EXTRA certain not to touch it. I flushed (with my foot), and went out and washed and dried my hands.

When I got back out to the main floor, two women were heading down the stairs. One of them had a long piece of toilet paper trailing behind her. Suddenly I felt invigorated and sober, and as memories of the kindness of strangers flooded my mind, I bolted after the woman before she descended the stairs.

"Wait!" I yelled. "Ma'am!" Undoubtedly, she was befuddled as to why some crazy white girl was chasing her down, arms flailing. "I can't let you go down like this," I told her, motioning to her shoe.

"Good Lord, darlin'! Thank you so much!" she laughed and howled, and her friend howled with her.

"Go ahead," I said, stepping on the paper. "I got it."

Proudly I stood, foot atop the stray disgusting toilet paper, hands on hips, watching as another victim was saved from the throes of toilet paper humiliation. She worked her way down the staircase, still laughing, and occasionally waving back to me, her savior.

Someday this woman will encounter a hapless sucker, and she too will be revisited by the time some crazy white girl ripped the toilet paper off her shoe. And with any luck, she'll pass it on.

So it really is true. Do unto others as you would have do unto to you...even if it's stuck to the bottom of their shoe.