The other day, in spite of myself...or...to spite myself, I decided to check out that website that promises to match you up to your soul mate based on 29 characteristics of total nonsense and bullshit. It was free, so I figured, why do my final semester project when I can seek a soul mate?
I started filling out the questionnaires, clicking in these little circles indicating on a 7-point scale my degree of happiness, sanity, fondness of animals, like of cupcakes, and eye color. It went on and on and on. After 20 minutes the little ticker thing said I was 32% complete. After 40 minutes I rolled my eyes and thought "is this worth it?" and a little overly smiling promotional face on the screen said "It IS worth it! 40 minutes now means a lifetime of happiness in the future."
So I keep going, thinking the whole time that all this is going to prove is how picky and unrealistic I am. My personality report was going to come back saying "Honey, get a life, you fucking snob. The man you seek does not exist, and even if he did, he wouldn't be with YOU."
But yet I pushed onward, to 64%, 78%, 83%....until finally...I closed in on the elusive final screen, where I clicked for my personality profile and a list of my matches. I was a little irritated that I couldn't select the age range, or height, or grammatical capability of my soul mate and future spouse, but I figured it would make it more fun to narrow down my suitors.
I clicked for my matches. While the little progress bar churned, my personality profile segmented across the screen with key words, such as "loser" and "snob" and "living in a fantasy." I thought I even saw "spinster" appear, but tech support strongly denies this.
Finally...after a series of clicking noises...my match list was ready. CLICK HERE! It said. YOUR SOUL MATE AWAITS! I clicked and....
"You have zero matches."
"Not one?" I pleaded. "Not a single one? In all of New York? This MUST be a mistake." I clicked to refresh the matches, assuming this was a one-time glitch and I was mere moments away from happiness.
"You still have zero matches, loser."
Broken, crushed, and destroyed, I stared numbly at the electronic betrayal in front of me. Even withOUT choosing my soul mate's age and height and grammatical capability, even withOUT overly limiting myself, I had ZERO FUCKING MATCHES!
So I went to www.HotSpermDonorsForLoserWomen.com. I ordered the genetic material of LL Cool J. Results pending. (You didn't really click that, did you?)
Okay, but seriously...28-33 years, taller than me (5' 8"), preferably even in heels (5' 11"), and basic knowledge of punctuation required.
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8 comments:
you just described half the male population of manhattan
LMAO! Oh my god,FUNNIEST THING I HAVE EVER READ! That's my sis! :)
Oh dear, dear Rafael. You'd be surprised how hard it is to find a man in this city with decent knowledge of homophones and semicolons. Besides, most of them leave anyway when I give them a grammar quiz on the first date.
Luffy said:
If what you say is true, I guess even "boat people" might be a consideration.
What's wrong with brown people. Remember, "once you go brown, you wont turning 'round"
I am only speculating here, but would rather imagine the grammar quiz might be passive. You wouldn't even know you're being quizzed! ;)
I am sure there are decent suitors on the dating web sites... problem is actually finding them!
Stephanie, you are certainly a very pretty young lady and obviously intelligent as well. Maybe if you weren't "looking", then perhaps finding that person might just sort of happen.
I get a grammer quiz every night from my GF. I fail she's looks at me with pity and then laughs.
How does a goodlooking, bright woman -- one who values good grammar, no less -- not have a boyfriend if she wants one? Forward that quiz to me, will ya?
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