Many mornings, like today, I find myself amazed at the remarkable similarities between riding a subway and driving a car. It's the people. People are still commuter assholes no matter WHAT their vehicle.
First there's that whole dance on the subway train. I stand here, I hold there, I sit here, right hand on red, left foot on green. Whenever someone abandons a seat or vacates a standing space, the whole crowd re-orders themselves. This is like a traffic jam, when one lane advances faster than another, and everyone tries to get into that lane. But when they do, their old lane moves faster, so everyone tries to get in THAT lane.
Then there's exiting the train. This is kinda like when a big intersection gets a green light, except all the other streets get a green light at the same time. You still jockey for position, hoping that wise lane selection (or train car selection) and a jump on the timing will get you there (the turnstile) first, but really, unless you're the first car at the green light or the first person out the door, you still hurry up and go no where.
Then comes my favorite part: the stand here and wait. Getting up the stairs to street level is the stop-and-go nightmare of commuters at 33rd street. Often, you can't even get through the turnstiles. If you can, you have to merge with like 14 other "lanes" of people to get up the stairs. But this, this is where all human stupidity is alike.
The stairs are wide enough for three, and EXACTLY three, lanes of people. This, under normal, logical conditions, means two lanes up, one lane down. But someone is ALWAYS trying to pass in the breakdown lane. ALWAYS!! And this forces the logic-abiding citizens to slam on their brakes, causing a domino effect of delays that trickles down the stairwell. And, the bitch in front of me had NO brake lights. She didn't slow to a stop. She just...STOPPED! And while that annoyed the hell out of me, I know it wasn't her fault, but the fault of the asshole who was trying to go UP the DOWN lane--violating all pedestrian laws, and forcing the rest of us to a screeching halt when someone--and I know this is a big surprise--was coming DOWN the down lane, and Asshole had to merge with us.
Rest assured, as I sat there, unmoving, crammed, smushed, sweating, and looking up the long stairwell from the absolute bottom, I knew that if I was properly armed with a canned airhorn, I would have opened it up on this dick. Everybody's gotta be in such a damn rush! HOOOOOOOONK!!!
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4 comments:
Just like the fog horn in the commercial that makes me laugh so damn hard each time it's on! LOL! Geico I think! Sis...you're so damn funny! You kill me! Thanks for that on a Monday!
I am thrilled and amazed to be able to report that during my 7:15am version of the same nightmarish commute, (to the same stop as I work for the same company as Steph that & live 7 blocks away from her) That I too was attempting to navigate the left hand UP lane, or the middle of the three, however you want to look at it. 2 up, 1 down - very clear. Until a passenger in the "right" UP lane saw a clearing in the down lane & WITHOUT signaling he cut over to dash up the Down lane. I was doing my thing, in my lane & suddenly, I almost fell victim to this jerks double lane, non signaled mad dash for the street. I went down, almost, caught myself, palms down & kept running in that oh so cool, Ididn'tfallnopewasn'tme, fluid motion! How I managed to recover with only my hands (not crash to my knees, gym bag sprawling) was simply b/c El Jerko, realized what he had done, turned, grabbed my arm to keep me from falling completely & then... no wait for it & then he apologized, several times! But being true New Yorker's while the apologies were free flowing from the minutes he grabbed my arm, we did NOT stop mid stair, we got to the surface, MOVED to the right out of the way. Checked for bruises or blood. He apologized again & we went about our way. So, Steph, while I 99% agree with you that the only free flowing substance in the subway is stupidity; I managed to have what could have been a crappy start to a Monday, be rescued by the 1% of us who are just trying to get about our day, sans stupidity. But an air horn would certianly help!
Haha--you mean the one for the cruise line where just as the guy is about to golf, the horn blows?? Makes me laugh EVERY time.
You know, I don't really know anything about UP or DOWN lines at the subway...and after reading this I find it really confusing. Because I was in NYC about 5 years ago, and I was braving the subway by myself for the first time. Now, I imagine that after you get off the train you go to the nearest exit and go upstairs...I assumed UP on the right and DOWN on the leftas per our childhood rules...except...there was a mad rush to the train from the street and about 150 people were going DOWN...just everyone going down. I was the only person going up. Now I don't know if I was simply in the wrong staircase or it was just an anomaly. But boy did I sure make some people mad that morning....maybe I should have just waited instead of pushing my way to the top haha....
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