self-assessment

So, I'm sitting here waiting for a ride to Ikea that may come in 5 minutes, 20 minutes, 3 hours, or not at all. While waiting, I decided to do a few productive things--girlie things--such as pluck my eyebrows, put on makeup, fix my hair, paint my toes, peel off my skin...

See, I got sunburned pretty badly about 10 days ago. My skin has been peeling off in stages since about...6 days ago. It started on my forehead, followed by my chest, then stomach, then thighs, shins, upper arms, and now arms below the elbow including tops of hands. It's really disgusting, and I've been trying to disguise it by mixing up my outfits to turtlenecks to cover chest/neck, pants to cover shins, and lace madonna gloves circa 1985 to cover my scaley arms and hands. But I know it's all just "Borderline."

It's peeling off so bad that this morning I had to use a lint roller on my bed sheets before I made the bed. (I know, SO gross right?) I saw no point in changing the sheets until I'm done shedding like some scary sci-fi snake woman. It's bad enough that all day long I'm scratching all over like a 3-year-old with chicken pox. Ew. I'm gross.

So I also dried my hair and decided to send a picture of it (and me) to my grandparents, just for I'm-not-there-for-Easter laughs. And when I did, and uploaded the photo to my computer, I realized I had this hugely disfiguring hump on my arm just below the shoulder. I mean, seriously, I could give Kwaze Moto a run for his humpy money. I keep telling myself that disfigurement is probably just a strange lighting effect that made me look so disproportionate, but now I'm essentially afraid to go into public. Maybe I AM morphing into some sort of reptile. EW!

Then I started editing the picture and trying to shade that bulging upper arm to make it go away. As I trimmed off my hump, I realized this is probably how plastic surgeons get women to jump on that table to be trimmed and tightened. "See miss, this is the shoulder hump you have NOW. But if you elect to clean this up, your shoulder will look like THIS!" If someone had said that to me just now, I would have given myself the anesthesia and handed the good doctor my finest steak knife. Maybe he could laser off some of my dead snake skin while he's at it.

Ew.

(And, for the record, still no ride to Ikea.)