some assembly required

For the last 6 weeks or so, I've been living in my new apartment with no flat surface upon which to eat, except the kitchen counter. I wanted a table and some chairs, but wasn't sure where to get them, or how much to pay. So finally after all this time, I just walked to the store down the street and bought the cheapo set for $150.

The guy at the store said for an additional $25 they would assemble and deliver the table and chairs. I turned him down for numerous reasons. 1) I didn't want to give them the $25. 2) I wanted a project. 3) I wanted it NOW. So I made him go get the big box and lend me a dolly so I could wheel the box home. He thought I was crazy, some silly girl trying to get the heavy box home by herself. But I gave them my license as collateral, then rolled the box-on-dolly three blocks home, wrestled the box through the double set of doors downstairs, then somehow got it UP the stairs by rolling it end-over-end. When I slid it into my kitchen, I gave a very proud Rocky Balboa tough guy Victory Dance before returning the dolly to the store.

I bolted back to the store, then back home, and slashed open the tape on the box. I pulled the pieces out one by one, laying them out on the floor. In the back of my head, I heard my father saying "Check for all the pieces before you begin." And I gladly would have...if the box had contained any sort of printed instructions. How the flying fuck do you assemble ANYTHING made in MALAYSIA without instructions?? I would have even settled for a diagram with text written in French or Russian, but to have nothing?? I reminded myself I was looking for a project, so I unpacked everything, and dumped the baggie of screws and washers and other miscellaneous pieces for which I had no instructions onto the floor. I then realized that a massively slanted floor is not good for runaway screws and washers, so I dropped them into a bowl for further meticulous examination. I was happy to see an Allen wrench. I freakin' love those things.



Thanks to my long history of assembling and disassembling objects, such as relocating my bunk beds since the age of about 5 with my father's ratcheting tools, I was able to quickly decipher which screws and bolts went where. I managed to throw together one of the two chairs, and even sat upon it without any horrible snapping, popping, or crunching noises. However, when I turned to put together the second chair, I noticed only two of something that should have been three. "I told you to check for all the pieces!" my father's voice said. I sighed, knowing that while my mother would happily go forward and build the chair without its proper back support, I could not do so, and had to return to the store. I counted all my other pieces first to make sure nothing else was missing, and ran back out.



The man at the store was like "Oh great, the bitch who wanted the dolly is back." Or at least that's what his facial expression said. But I remained perky and obnoxious. "Hi. Remember me? I am missing a piece for one of my chairs. I need a second one just like this," I said as I held up the clone of the missing. Mr. Cranky took the piece, giving me a look that said "stupid chicks can't built shit," and went out back, returning a moment later with a pair of the pieces. I thanked him cheerily and headed back home.

Chair #2 went together very quickly and without further incident. Next was the big part: the TABLE!!

The table appeared to have its own baggie of miscellaneous screws and washers and, to my surprise, a second Allen wrench! But there were some little round things in this baggie that I didn't know what to do with. They weren't washers, not nuts, just...some pointless little pieces of curled metal. I looked at the table legs, and the pre-drilled holes on the table, and really wished I had instructions for this part. But using my what was left of my wit and intelligence, I screwed everything in place, sans mysterious pieces of curled metal. (If I can't find a use for 'em, why bother.)

Finally, with a cheer and a grunt, I hoisted the table upright. It didn't wobble. It didn't fall. It stood solidly in the middle of my kitchen. I repeated my proud Rocky Balboa dance (this time in front of the mirror) and thanked the Malaysian assholes for the challenge. Instructions? I don't need no stinkin' instructions!